fkboytozeus

2006-05-20T08:57:00.001-05:00

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

this poverty thing is goin on longer than i planned...

hmph...

total bullshit if you ask me...

but im staying calm and centered and all that happyhorseshit...

bills are still being paid, so i shouldnt bitch...

but i will anyways...

new landlord is providing internet service to the entire house for free...

i love him...

i just gotta get a wireless router... then im set...
and ill be back full time shortly after that...

this is the longest in 20 years ive been without my internet service...
ive never jones'd for anything in my entire life...

im jonesin bad now...
::wipes sweat off brow and steadys hands::

wish it was safe to hack like it was in the seventies... id be on here for free in a second...

uhm...

did i say that?
i dont think i did...

ok im off to work, i now deliver subs for a place called jimmyjohns...
a fun, easy peasey place and all i do is drive around town and make fifty bucks in three hours...

ok, fifty bucks on a good day, but never less than twenty...

so im slowly pulling myself out of this moneypit ive fallen into...

hope things are fine with all youse...

hope to be back full time soon...

inlight
otter

howdy stranger...

2006-04-14T12:02:00.000-05:00

Homo In The Guesthouse
Originally uploaded by Magnolia Thunderpussy.

HALLOW MY PHREAKYONES!

life is good...
moolah isnt...
but its gonna change next week...

HORRRRFUCKINARAY!

ive been broke since january... i mean real broke... after bills, i have two dollahs to last till the next month... totally sucked big donkey padiddles...

i broke my puter, so it will be a month before i get it fixed...

wha?... how did i break it...

i just did and im not tellin cuz you will just laugh and point and giggle at me...

hmph...

quilts are going very well...
writing is not...

im beginning to want a boyfriend... i never thought that would ever happen again...

im having some of the best orgasms ive ever had... im my own best date yaknow...

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd i think thats it... im at the library as i write this and the man on my left smells like spoiled yogurt and the women to my right is gaggin me with her osomanlypitssmell... its a shame, shes quite pretty and petite but smells like my father after a three day binge in the hottest part of august...

(muahahahah)

im such a cunt...

ill be around soon...

thanks for reading my stuffs...

inlight
kerris

ink

2006-03-26T09:41:00.000-05:00

ink
Originally uploaded by kerris.

i know...
ive been away too long...

busybusybusy as fuck...

took me a few weeks to getting used to being busy again...
after four years of being a slug...

i like being busy...

the biggest adjustment is being busy for 13 hours a day and never leaving the house... lol...

i thought you only got busy if you left...
it was startin to mess with my head...
at 830pm, id collapse and say why am i so tired...
i didnt leave the house...
but i worked on words and quilts for 13 hours...
thats why your so tired you, tard...

(sigh... )im not even nice to myself...

time managing sucks at the moment...
lots of work gets done...
but who's supposed to empty the trash and do the dishes and biohazard the john?

o...
me...
fergot...

its hard to work for yourself, and work at home, and only have this evil freakin demonchild of lucifer as my only companion...

but he is so fucking cute aint he?

im workin on a post this afternoon...

ill see you then...

good morning!

2006-03-17T06:47:00.000-05:00

hookered
Originally uploaded by Burps Liberty.

my brain is flat, been that way the last couple days... not alot words forming coherent thoughts... i had a bad bout with kidney stones the last two days...

what pain, what hideous pain!

im pretty sure thats why im so flat inside...

but ive been kicking ass on some tarot bags and almost got a quilt finished... YAY! my first finished project five years... im very proud and very excited...

been spreading around the community that im interested in giving birth to a wiccan circle... posted it up on a site called WitchVox... within three hours ive had 25 emails... most seem tres cool, a few wierd and probably wont stick, but it was very cool to get such a response in such a short time...

ill write more on this later...
my brain wants to just veg today, but my hands are itchin to make stuffs...

ill yak at you later...

ok, maybe i did have too much jack daniels last night... ow...

2006-03-12T08:44:00.000-05:00

heres some email corresponance that i had with a friend on the west coast about my spiritguide Minnie, and my work with colors in my healing modality...which turned into a rather good piece of writing on guides and color in general...

this is an area of my life that i rarely share outside of a close circle of friends... i mean i do the work that gawd wants me to do, but i dont sit around and yak about it... i keep all this pretty close to my heart...

i was with a man for four years and he didnt quite know what i was all about till the end... lol...

im wierd enough just being who i am without spreading about that i believe myself to be psychic, talk to dead people, work with people on spiritual energetic levels for their health and well-being... the most embarassing thing about myself is my ability to channel... in the post i talk abit about this...

but im being pushed to be more sharing in my walk with gawd and my experiences with other souls here on earth...

ive been dreaming of standing in front of children and teaching them math or english...
and i truly love those kids in that dream, and you can almost see the love shining back at me from these youngsters...
i rarely have repeat dreams, and ive had this many times the last six months...

i think its telling me to share with others what i've learned...

its rather scary... and embarassing sharing these parts of my life...

im a puppydog in life... clowning and dancing in hopes EVERYONE likes me...
and some of my beliefs about life and myself leaves a big billboard on my forehead that blares WACKO...
and alot of people dont want to like wackos...

i adore wackos and phreaks... lol...
they keep you fresh...

so, heres another bit of myself for you to gawk at, point and giggle at, or learn something from...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kerris,
Does this little spirit follow you around from room to room or does she
only show up in certain locations in the house. Has she only made
herself known to you since you've moved in or was she part of your life
before?
Does she follow you outside of the house or even away from the
neighborhood?

From what period of time does she feel like she comes from? I mean has
she told you or do you get a hint of her origins?

So she gets vibes , does she? does she give you warnings of good things
as well as bad things?

I find her very interesting.
You mentioned to Karylee that she had some colors..............do you
see colors or auras around people?
Can you ignore them and close them off so that they do not bother you
while you're trying to carry on normal conversations with folk? I think
I would find that very distracting and disturbing like looking at a wart
or a funny eyeball on people and still trying to not let them notice
you're noticing.
Does that make sense?
anyway I'm going to be away for a while but will let you know if I found
anything that is stupendous.
I also get to hug my big kid(21 years old)
Love Nina- off to pack.

(slurps nina)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ur a light in my heart nina, never leave me...

ok about minnie...

before we are born, gawd gathers people around you... you mill about and
get to knew each other, ask each other questions about what you want to
accomplish in this life, you ask each other what they do good in life
and what they dont do so well... just generally get to know each other...

strengths and weaknesses are shared and compared... then a small band of
people agree to come and help you in your next life time, and they will
remain in spirit... now you do this with others who will come into body
to be there with you, too... but the spooks will be your spirit
guides... they are referred to as your band... now the spiritualist say
there are a set number in your band... there are your close guides...
who usually walk your entire life with you, but not always... and theres
always other helpers who come and sit for coffee for a few hours, then
leave... i dont think theres a set number, though there are few who have
specific jobs, and that usually, all have these guides with the same
occupation... minnie is a joy guide, her job is to make you laugh...
laughter is the second highest vibration on this plane... love is the
first, but you cant love everybody, but you can laugh with most and
laugh AT a bunch... (grin)... minnie is also the one you gotta go
through to get to me for a channeling session... shes a tough bitch and
i trust her implicantly in this area... u usually have a master healer
to help you with the body... they dont interact too much personally with
you, staying in the background and trying their best to keep you
healthy, we irritate these po souls with our choices concerning our
health, ive heard many times from Simyo, my healer... U KNOW BETTER, YOU
NIT... (evilgiggles astheboyeatsanotheroreo)... and theres usually a
doorman... like in a bar... checkin id, taking the cover charge and
making sure your not goin to be exposed to the trash that DO exist over
here... just like here, theres good and bad... my doorman is jimmy, a
slick talker from the steamboatgambler days, he's new... theres others
with other jobs, and they do stay constant, but jimmy replaced mareema
when we found out, after years of her being in my band, that she wasnt
mine at all, she was a friend's i recently met who mareema belonged to,
and we just found out this last week... thats how detailed and specific
the universe is... that mareema knew i would meet john and hand him over
when the time is right... so sometimes they leave, and its always sad,
but someone always takes their place...

but in general your band is your close cousins, some maybe family
members, in this life or past, ancestors from way back when, they can be
animalspirit, the world of fey (fairies earthspirit) sometimes join your
band... they usually help u with knowledge of herbs, plants, ley lines,
and general merriment and frustration... check out your houseplants,
theres always devi playing in there...

spooks are as myriad and different as people WITH bodies...

now the difference between spirit and those that you see on medium or
ghost whisper, is that those souls havnt gone on to gawd, through the
light... i think of the light like as when you fire gold to get rid of
the impurities... when you go through the light, you shed alot of your
humaness when you arrive on the other side... when you die, you die
pretty much as you were in life, no instant enlightenment at all... you
still are very much 'human', and with more body than spirit... you cant
work too well over there in this condition... what happens is, that
physical life is more important to you than goin on and startin
again.... so you get kinda stuck... im sooprised at how so many lost
souls are totally frightened of the light... thats what organized
religion has done to us, made us frightend of gawd... thats so total
bullshit... and i beleeve gawd is obligated to send someone from
'heaven' to come and get you if you get lost... just once...but you dont
got to go... freewill remember... (dont get me started on freewill...
what a gyp...)

it takes work to really establish a relationship with your guides...
only becuz its so hard to beleeve in em... they keep helping you in life
whether you beleeve in em or not... its just like making friends with
livepeoples... that can be hard sometimes, too... but if you treat them
just like friends, it becomes easy... they are just people with no bodys...

::great now minnie is singing IIIIIIIIIIIIIII AINT GOOOOOOOOT
NOOOOOOOOOOO BODY... this wont end till this evening...::

i asked if a guide of yours would like to speak to me and instantly we
got a spanish woman, young 30'ish... jesus is she beautiful... licious
black hair, carmel colored skin, black eyes, thick lips... man i cant
stop staring... i asked her about her work with you... and she slipped
her blouse down one shoulder and said all sly, im here to help her stop
being so uptight, to try more new things and to reaaaaaaaaaaaly enjoy
the carnal pleasures of life...

u supposed to be a trollop, nina? lmao...

shes nice, no name, just a twirl of her manycolored dress and she was
gone... you might want to just think about this image... how i teach
people to work with their guides is to, in their everyday life, have
conversations in their head with a guide... (jesus, this womanguide just
bounded back in and HOLLARED loud Cassarita... scared me to death...
this one is a firecraker... im assuming this is her name... i hate when
they scare me... mumblegrumble)... now, start a conversation, and then
answer yourself back... (do this in your head, if you do it outloud they
put you in the loonybin...) eventually, one time... the answer you think
your answering yourself back with, DOES NOT come from you... you KNOW it
didnt come from you... remember that feeling, remember that feeling good
and well... thats the vibration you will know your guide as... its all
energy and vibration... beleeve me, you will know when someone other
than yourself answers you back, and latch on to that feeling... its the
touchstone that you will use to recognize your guide...

go to the grocery store, while your gardening, or walking and have
conversations with yourself... its the best way to meet your guides...

dont be sooprised if you get a mermaid, or a giant or anything weird...
how fun would it be to have an oaktreespirit, like out of lord of rings
be your guide, think they were called Ents... the mutant boys you read
in my story from wickedcards say their real... i refuse to beleeve it,
my life is weird enough at its...

about colors...
im either very blessed or hideously cursed to always have been this way...
we are all just like me at birth till about puberty...
at puberty we naturally shut down the spiritual centers becuz theres too
much physical stuff goin on and having spiritual imput continue, is too
overwhelming on the mind and body. ive worked with young ladies who
were diagnosed with schitzo, and they were just still open spiritually
during puberty... i gave them three energywork sessions, and they were
not schitzo no mo... its rare for a healer to see direct results of his
or her work, i treasure those sessions to tell me that i DO do
something... and im not just living in a fantasy world... to this day,
as much as i walk this path, i still daily question my sanity...
(sigh)... you'd think after forty years id just give up and embrace my
inner frootcake...

whats sad, is this society provides no ways to open back up after
puberty... there were the mystery schools in ancient cities, and the
natives sent their 16 yearolds out into the desert and to not come back
till they met their totem animal... some died out there... thats how
important it was to reopen up this powerful part of one's life...

we poopoo this so important part of living... its causing us great
harm.... as demonstrated by the state our youth are in...

so as a child i walked into rooms and saw a bunch of people where there
should just be one... starting conversations to invisible people is
embarrassing to parents at family gatherings or their friends parties...
but i was never told i was making stuff up becuz what i spoke about was
true... there was a gramma rose who just passed and wanted to say
something to her daughter, etc.. stuff like that... my parents just
chose to ignore me... i mean completely ignore on all levels... lol...
their loss...

i think gawd me made exactly how he wanted me, and gave me tools even as
a child, to handle these talents... their not gifts, you can do the same
thing i do nina, deah... if you have an endocrine system, you can do
this... the talents stem from each gland... it just takes serious work
to make these muscles grow and become strong... i have to do something
daily or i can feel the touch begin to lesson... so anyhoo... i learned
early who was daid and who wasnt... minnie helped me immensely...

minnie has been around since birth...
my grandmother saw her in my birthing room and screamed THERES A N*IGGER
CHILD UNDER THE BED...

lmao...
from the beginning stirrin up shit...

the costume she wears to play is a six year old black child...
and acts JUST LIKE a six year old black child...
i love six year old boys, but six year old girls get on my nerves bad....

aint god funny, i think he finds pairing me up with minnie is a real
joke...

so, her mouth runs constanly just like a six year old do ...
her pranks, which never end, are of a six year old's imagination and
malice...

but shes sharp...
she can find answers quicker than lightening...
she is constantly roaming the community finding people we KNOW i can
help...
so if i get a nudge, i know i can help...
she never fails in that regard...

now when i need help...

im like ooooooooooooooooo minnie my life sucks help help me...

and she throws that black gurrl head toss and says, i dont do windows,
do em yourself, and gives me three snaps...

what a freaking bitch...

but for others over the years, she has been a great helpmeet...

shes the most REALEST spook ive ever worked with, and since this is my
main knack besides healing, ive danced with a lot of spirit... REALEST
meaning that she interacts physically from spirit... it takes an
enormous amount of power to become real in the physical, or to move
things or knock on walls... this girl has got to be powerful, for lack of a better word, cuz there
isnt a day that goes by that i dont feel a tug on my robe asking me why
she dont have a wiener, or the bed clothes gettin moved as she gets more
comfy in bed... this needs great energy to achieve, and she seems to do
it with ease... she spooks me... and she wont stop... lmao...

other people SEE her, HEAR her, RECEIVE presents from her... her fav is
to leave a rose on someone's table late at night and freak em out...
when i was goin through my bad times she spent alot of time with
heleeeeeeene, a friend, cuz i totally banned any spirit and gawd out of
my life... i think heleeeeeeeene tore alot of her hair out... lol...

the rool with me is YOU DO NOT APPEAR ON THE PHYSICAL... as long as ive
been involved in this freaky part of life, 40 years, now...i still piss
myself when they appear... im clairaudient, i will lissen to em... i do
hear em, i can feel their breath on my ear... but i WILL NOT SEE...

well, of course, this is minnies most favoritist of all pranks to do...
to appear at me at the most inopportune times...

bitch...

now most people have cool guides... big ass angels, stoic indians,
gramma rose, a celtic witch, etc...

i get a six year old black gurrl who's mean to me and cusses like a
sailor... you think I can cuss... whew, you should hear this gurrl...

sometimes i think there has to be a code of conduct in the world of
spirit, there ARE roolz over there, which minnie never seems to
follow... but theres just gotta be some guidelines that direct spirit
guides...

when i go to complain to gawd, gawd just smiles and says, otterboy, you
act the same way and then turns away to finish his coffee and danish...

::mumblegrumble::

she is at my side 24/7... where i go she goes... it do get confusing...
especially when shes babbling while someone is talking to me, and
sometimes i forget and tell her to shut the fuck up outloud...

now thats embarrassing...

and think about how a six yearold incessantly babbles...
thats what i got to put up with...

poppy, lets go fly a kite, did you buy icecreme, i wonder what
heleeeeeeene is doing, look at the woman shes so fat, o man shes got
whiskers too....and on and on and on...

(sigh)

arnt you glad your six year old grew up...
im stuck with mine till i die...

i bark at her alot, but thats just how we live with each other... she
truly do bug me, but, shes my child... ive always wanted a bunch of kids
and i think part of minnies job is to fill that space in my heart....

but she loves me, you can just feel it...i wake up most mornings with
her curled up in my arms... theres a dent and warmth in the bed, and it
does give me my first smile in the morning...

i havnt a clue as to WHO minnie REALLY is, this childthing is just the
costume that she uses... they usually use something that we will be
comfy with... usually a persons first meetin with spirit is a child...
very non threatening... they can grow and morph later on, as most do...
minnie is still a child, but ive noticed different facial features
appear... spirit grows and changes right along with us...

minnies time period seems to be dustbowl georgia... that time... i think
her family moved away from the dustbowl... her shift is always red and
almost hanging off her... she looks poor, but dont tell her that... she
will screeeeeeech that she comes from a regal and rich family from
england shes a princess and she owns slaves and palaces and eats cake
everyday... lol...

who knows, nina, shes just minnie...

i do think me and minnie have walked many lives together... one or the
other in spirit or body, taking turns in spirit and reallife... i think
thats a cool though that i get to terrorize her in spirit while shes
clothed in mud, but i have no proof of this... ask minnie about our past
and shes like ill tell ya later or im watching cartoons...etc... i guess
its not important... THIS life is the most important one... im still
very curious... and she just might not be telling me out of spite or
malice... who knows...

and its not a one way street, we are helping spirit work through their
issues and problems and lessons in their personal work in their own walk
back to gawd... you may never know what your providing, but you are
providing a great amount of help to these bodyless peoples... ask em...
its good to know...

i asked minnie one time what i did for her, she said that i was her meal
ticket...
i said what?
she said she was gonna write a movie about my bumblings through life and
she was gonna be rich cuz everyone likes movies with ignorant goofballs
running around the screen...

see what i have to put up with?

these souls are on their way back to gawd just as you are... everything
is a learning experience, whether we can see the lesson or not...

they dont know everything, and they probably know as much as WE do at
any given time... what they do have is a much wider perspective than we
do... very rarely can they see the future, but what they can do is see
the WHOLE picture and have a good guess as to what will happen if we
continue on this path... thats a huge help...

my talents are so strong becuz ive been actively working on them since i
was a child... plus, gawd made em strong to come into this life with...
i spent years embarrassed and not wanting to do anything with em... but
they was so evident and in your face, i really had no choice... i had to
find answers to what all this was about, or id go crazy... quantum
physics is finally finding out stuff that proves that im not half
loony... thats exciting, but, i worry about mystery... man needs
mystery... and we are gettin so smart, that we are taking much away from
the mysterious realm... im all for science, but im worried that they
will find real and physical reasons for the mysteries... and finding and
experiencing mystery should be a personal and EMOTIONAL experience...
what if the scientists find gawd? what will happen when we can actually
hold, feel, smell and see gawd? good? or bad? i dunno... i just worry
about it...

so, deah, these talents are a god given right given to all beings here
on earth... just as having two arms or two feet is a god given right
given to all humans... you have these gifts along with the rest of the
world... i call em knacks, knacks that can be of a great help in living
daily life, and a great help to use to build your community, to draw
people together and help others know that they arnt alone, to feel love
in a loveless world... to KNOW that we all are important and perfect...

so, i know, it feels weird to start this journey, but i encourage you to
explore... you must want to or at least have a tiny spark of curiosity
or you wouldnt have wrote me about all this...

now about colors...

colors are powerful energies that were born along with us at the
Creation...
they are easy to use and can do things for the body and soul that are
stupendous and healing... everyday i see colors do something new for
peoples in my life...

the first thing i can remember as a child, was seeing colors floating
around EVERYWHERE... it was sooooooooo cool...
i even show'd signs of the 'illness' of people tasting colors, smelling
em...etc... i would say, momma, whats that mans name... its a green
name... or id listen to music and say, oooooo that tastes like
watermelon, mmmmmmmmmmm.... ack that noise is tooooooooooooo blue turn
it down... these things dont happen too much anymore, but i do keep
people sorted in head by their color...

its a real medical term, its called Synesthesia...

here are some interesting links that talk about this phenomena...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia

http://www.sciamdigital.com/index.cfm?fa=Products.ViewIssuePreview&ARTICLEID_CHAR=5FA31FCA-2B35-221B-6021A5C72F525503

http://www.synesthesie.nl/pub/asapaper.htm

http://www.synesthesie.nl/pub/asapaper.htm

tres interesting...

i learned what ancient holy peoples and talented new agers who figgered
out what each color meant when seen in the etheric bodies... its what i
do first with any client, i do a color diagnostic... i can see cancer,
endymitrosis, heartattacks waiting to happen, past injuries, etc... but
you need your own personal symbology to be strong and healthy to rseally
work colors good... red doesnt always mean anger, though often it do...
but red has shown me a grand spiritual gift in a person, where usually
lapislazuli blues signify that...

it is distracting walking through a group of people... you see so many
colors... i do filter out most now... it took a few years to finally
place good shields up... but it was way worth it, i wasnt so worn out at
the end of the day after i put my shields up...

hiv is red and is brick shaped that sits in the middle of the chest...
in the late eighties and nineties, i saw this brick everywhere... i was
so overwhelmed and frightened... i was convinced i would be the only
homo left in the world... no family, no friends, no fun... nada... just
me alone... i would fall to my knees in my home and just wail THEIR ALL
GONNA DIE GAWD, THIS CANT BE YOUR PLAN, I DONT WANT TO BE ALONE...

i still see alot of those bricks... and now i just get mad... no one NO
ONE should be gettin hiv but drug users and prostitutes... NO ONE... why
are we so stoopid... ::looks pointedly at the young gayboys...:: its
called a rubbers you nimrods...

now someone might see hiv as a sickly neon green with maroon dots...
again, personal symbology plays a good part of you using your knacks...

colors are easy to grasp too... you dont have TO SEE any of this... most
of this is internal... you go by your gut, your intuitiveness, how you
feel about something... minnies vibration is a high c... (a highc? pray
for me nina)... thats what i mean about feeling your guide, it will be a
vibrational feeling... its all energy... and energy is easy to
understand and touch... and for gawdsake, if you feel in your stomach
that something is right or wrong... then it IS right or wrong... your a
mother... you have a mothers intuition, do you not? what i do is the
same thing... no difference...

the hardest part is learning to trust yerself...

and you dont have to see colors, deah... you can sense them... you can
just know that red is there, just know it, and red IS there... you will
learn to trust yourself eventually...i dont visualize well, especially
working with colors on myself... i use flashcards in my brain... each
card has a color name written on it... in meditation, i take the
pertinent flash card and put it where i want that color to be... you
dont have to physically see, most just go, hmmmmm i think red is there
and blue is needed to balance it out... they do this by sensing it from
their gut or head... your sensing the vibration of the color... its just
as powerful as seeing and is better in my opinion cuz it cuts down on
distractions...

people come to me all the time wanting to 'see'...
i say, i wont teach you that till you can accurately 'sense' what needs
to be seen...
nobody likes that...
too boring...
being psychic is so mucho mo exciting...
but if you dont know what to do with your knacks... its just a side show...

and if its not practical and down to earth, i get rid of it... if
anything comes from the spiritual world, or ever your own spiritual
walk, isnt practical, get rid of it... your spiritual walk should edify,
bear some fruit, in your physical life... if it dont, get rid of it and
find something else...

this dont make me a fav in the metaphysical world... they say i take all
the fun out of it... well, its too easy to get lost in LALA land... id
rather have you bored and here than havin fun and lost...

now im not saying, that sometimes things do get spooky or highly
charged... but you know those things, and they always ring out truth and
healing...

i asked minnie to waft some of your colors over to me...

sweet sweet pastels of spring... calming, yet exciting in the wait for
summer...
another earth mother... one who knows that gawd is exalted, and yearns
to feel that exaltation...
nina, u know each color and piece of fabric you put together in your
creations MEANS something, its just not a playpretty... you know on some
level, that each act of beauty you create, causes great change in the
world...

u KNOW this, nina...
your colors sing this to me...

i you dont know this, you know it now... believe this, accept it, and
use it....
become vibrant intentionally nina, your vibrant by default because of
how gawd made you, do it with intent and you will blow up the west
coast... (slurps)

i think you need more deep sexy reds in your life... cassalita will help
you with that...

take her scarf shopping, deah, you will have a blast...

i hope this helps splain abit about who i am, and a bit about how the
spirit world works...

theres never anything written in stone over there... but there are some
general touchstones and rules... just a bit... and what ive shared, im
convinced, for lack of a better word, there are some general RULES that
apply to all of us...

and if you have trouble making things fit in with your own belief
system, know this... we all have a personal universe, and each personal
universe is as big as the BIGUNIVERSE... thats big huh... this is how
all walks and beliefs can work together comfortably and for the greater
good... each one is so big and specific, somehow they work together,
they couldnt do this if they was bitty... now, this tells you how huge
and amazing the BIGUNIVERSE is and how specific and detailed it is...
how else could it make each of our personal universes work together in such
harmony...

thats one damn big computer program, no? lol...

any more questions please hollar, id love to share what i know and hear
of your of your adventures, if you so choose to start any...

inlight
kerris

hiyas

2006-03-09T14:58:00.001-05:00

gray and gloomy and not a little rainy today...
i seem to come alive on gray days, while sometimes, the sun just wants me to scurry for cover...
i dont know if its because of my lifetime struggle with depression, but after 39 years, i have no depression...
none at all...
bless the lady for her touch...

i am working on a beaded doll at the moment... the quilts are screaming at me from the corner... but i just have no 'oomph' to go over and work on em... this is my bread and butter and my path to famousdom... i must get back to work on em fast...

the dolls are fun, and easy and the finished product looks like you spent a zillion years and poured out pounds of patience to em... they basically make themselves, and are very satisfying...

this morning spirit nudged me awake and announced today we would be going to the beadstores... im like what bead stores, dayton has no bead stores, you gotta go to columbus or cincy... we gots two, get in the shower spirit said...

(dammnit, we do have bead stores, two of em, i need to pay more attention...)

as i climb out of the shower, she hollars, bring your art, a bunch of it...

im like okokokok can i shower first...

i wound up at the beadcage first... what a great store... clean, very well stocked and very very organized, which immediately made me hate the owner...

organization? pfffffffft... who needs that...

well, anyhoo, she hired me to teach beaded doll classes and artquilt classes and my U R AN ARTEEEEEESTS DAMMNIT lecture...

tres cool...

so i leave and romp up to BeckysBeads and spirit says this one is under a great burden... i answer back, so am i, with you harranguing me all the time... ... so what am i supposed to do... she said, just acknowledge her illness...

so we get to Beckys... mygawd what a mess... the store was dirty, tore apart, and smelled... so did Becky... Becky was waaaaaaaaaay under depression's spell... she could hardly hold her head up...

im like, spirit, her name is minnie btw, a six year old black child... dont ask, im embarassed enough by my wierdness as it is... anyways, im like, minnie? what the fuck am i to do, she dont need me she needs a doctor...

minnie sez, just go over there and shake her hand, thats all...

so i go over and intro myself and reach out to shake hands... this poor soul can hardly lift her hand and takes a while to grasp mine... and as soon as she touches my hand she starts to bawl... i go around the counter and swoop her up in my arms and say quietly, dear, you need a doctor, dont you?

she nods and says she'd rather just die...
i say seriously?
she says yes...
are you thinking of doing something to make yourself die?
she nods...
right now?
yes...

so i bundled her up and dragged her kicking and screaming down to womenline and dumped her off there...

i was glad i could help, and im glad i lissen to nudges from spirit... it was obvious this girl was goin to close up her shop and kill herself... so im glad i was there to stop her... i just get tired of having to work in the dry barren fields of depression and sorrow...

thats all... i just get tired of that...

but on the flip side, gawd do send wonderous and beautiful experiences to me...

heres a bit of background on this story...

i dont know when it started, or why it started, but for the last 15 years, the small mexican community has been coming to me to bless water, oil, herbs, their icons... they are totally frightened of me, wont come in, just hover on the porch, and they demand i shut the door to do what i do... i get a few coins, or some food, and they toddle off to do what they do...

i have no idea how this started, im just glad to do it...

they call me a brujo... witch...

anyhoo, i get a call on monday afternoon... its a woman, marleene who takes mass with me at HolyFamily... she said she got my number from rosa... rosa told this woman about my work with schitzo children and how i helped some... and she said that rosa called me a brujo and not loco, which meant to her, that i wasnt a wacko and would be of a great help... she said rosa pointed to me at mass and marleene just felt like i was a good person... we chatted for a bit and she told me what she wanted of me and i said come over later that evening...

her and husband have a daughter named darla... shes eight, beautiful majorly curly blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and is just a miss priss... lol... shes sharp as a tack and is just a light in gods brow...

the problem, and the parents didnt want to call it a problem... was that darla was talking to invisible people and she seems to always know stuff she shouldnt know... they werent upset about it, they embraced it... her father, whos a quantum physicicst, brought his bible to show me in corinthians where it talks of the gift of the spirit... word of knowledge, discernment, prophecy... i spoke it all before he even opened his bible, and show'd a few other places where god has given us knacks to help ourselves and our community... he talked abit about his work and how that there is proof finally coming about that actually defends and defines what we do in this wackywooley world of metaphysics... very cool young man... told me lots of stuff that made me feel better about what i do... im pretty much embarassed by my talents... i mean, theres a bunch of really horrid frootcakes in the metaphysic realm... i dont want to be a frootcake like that...

anyways, last week, darla came to school and sat down in homeroom, and burst into tears... the teacher put her arms around her and asked her what was wrong... darla said im so sad about your daughter, and those sharp things had to have hurt, is she going to be ok miss williamson... ok the teacher had a meltdown and had to be shipped off the hospital... becuz, her 13 year old daughter had tried to commit suicide a few days before hand... jesus, 13? i was just learning to masturbate WELL at 13 and totally preoccupied with that... what are we to do with our children, folks?

they were concerned becuz of this, as they should be... i mean this could ostracize her for life... they wondered if there was a school to send her to that deals with these gifts... i said no,not that i know of... and they are concerned with who she is talking to in spirit, she wont say...

now after the young lady stopped bitching about me not having any furniture but a bed, and after she hounded her parents into giving me the couch in their basement cuz nobody sits on it anyways... lol... this will give you a clue as to how this little girl is... i fell in love with her after that... she also was totally disgusted by the huuuuuuuuuuge laundry pile in the bedroom... lol...

so we four sit on my bed and i start to talk to the girl...
i asked about school, what she wanted to be when she grew up, etc... (a racecardriver... shes too prissy to be a racecardriver...lol)...

then i asked her who she talks to in the invisible world... you do talk to people who dont have a body right? a spirit? a ghost?

she got really quiet... and kept looking at her dad... i turned to dad, i think you should step out into the kitchen for a sec... he did...

she looked at me and says its papaw... her dads father... her mother gasped... she said her husband and his dad absolutely hated each other... it was very bad, she says..

i sent darla to the kitchen to get her dad, and i reached over to marleene's hand and told her, relax, your are doing a primo job of being a parent... just look at your daughter, she just glows... healthy and curious, funny, relaxed... your doing fine...

dad and daughter come back and i tell her dad who the spook was... he wasnt too comfortable but smiled...

i asked darla, does papaw tell you to do bad things?
ooooooooooooooooooooooo noooooooooooooooooo... he hollars at me if i even think of doing something wrong...

what do you and papaw do together, i ask... well we do everything together, his favorite place is the swingsets at the playground and the river...he wishes we could go to the river alot, but he cant take me without my mom and dad... he goes to school with me and usually sits quiet in the back...

darla gets quiet, and then says, hes sorry that he let slip about my teachers daughter...

i look at the parents and smile... poppy is fine... no evil boogers here...

i asked her if there was anyone else who's invisible that she talks too... she didnt want to talk about it, but i felt no fear or apprehension, its just her secrets... let her have em...

i then told the parents id like to see just how psychic darla was, they agreed...

darla asked what psychic meant... i told her, you know how you know things sometimes, but you dont know WHY u know em?
she nodded, thats psychic, i said... and i want to measure how psychic you are... is that ok with you?... she nodded...

i got my tarot cards out and she lit up, she had no idea what they were, but she really wanted to look at the pictures...
i told her to mess the cards up and then id mess em up and then you need to take one card at a time, and place them face up on the table, then i would like you to make up stories about the people in the pictures...

so we did that, and she flipped out five cards... and goddamnit if they didnt fall in a perfect cross that you find in the celtic cross spread... it took me a minute to shut my mouth...

she told us she was a gypsy and got all mysterious... i laughed uproarisly... if i had a daughter, darla is one i would love to have...

she taps a card and looks at me and says your gonna get a bigger allowance... i said yeah? she said yeah... next week...
the cards she was tapping was 4 of discs and knight of discs... which represent undeserved money comin in quickly....

ok im about to piss myself... its gettin pretty wierd...

then her lips begin to quiver and she falls apart and just bawls, her mother rushes over and scoops her up and asks her whats wrong... she looks at me, and then back at ma... hes sick and then to me your so sick you need to go to a doctor, and she is just hysterical...

i get up and take her from her mom and plop her in my lap... i say, darla, your right dear, i am sick, and the doctors cant do nuttin for me, but ive lived five years longer than i should have... the docs said i might hit sixty... sixty is ok to die at, your old and wrinkly and pruny when your sixty, a fine time to die... and i tickle her... aahhhhhhhhhhhhh sunshine again...

so she gets settled... and then she pops up with your gonna get a girlfriend soon... shes not even looking at the cards, shes just listening to spirit or being psychic... then she gets up and goes to her mother and whispers in her ear... marleene giggles and says, honey, its ok to tell him that... so she comes back and plops and looks me square in the eye, its not a GIRLFRIEND, its a BOYFRIEND... and she falls out... completely engulfed in giggles...

i said, darla, i dont want a boyfriend, and without missing a beat she goes...

too bad...

LMAO...

so we played a bit more and then we got serious...

darla, if i said that some things are more important than others, would you understand that?

she didnt even think, she said... o yes, chocolate is more important than carrots... LMAO...

i said, correct... now everything pappy tells you, it might not always be important for you to say anything, do you understand that? she nodded...

now im scared that she wont SAY whats important at a time when she needs to say sumthin...

i said, thats not what i really wanted to say, do you know what mind your own business means?
MIND YOUR OWN BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZWAX she hollars...
yesh, i said... now, u have to learn to know whats you and your parents beeeeeezwax, and what isnt your beezwax...and its hard to learn that... so if you have something you think you need to share, you need to go to mom and dad FIRST... always FIRST... can you remember to do that? or you can call me, ok?

and you must NEVER tell anyone that your psychic?
she asked why...
i said, cuz the world dont beleeve we are psychic, but me and you know better, right?

it will be our special secret, deal?

DEAL! and she spit in her hand and we shook... LMAO....

yep shes a pistol...

the parents asked again if there was any type of school for kids like darla, i said i wish...
her dad asked if id spend time with her, i said i would be delighted... but we have to do nothing structured... she will get a big head and then she will be more than a handful more than she already is... why dont the four of just do things... go to the zoo, picnics, movies... stuff like that... id enjoy that, my nine god children moved out of state last year and im still very sad...

they liked that and the dad said he would teach me about quantum physics in a way i could comprehend if i taught him what i know about spirit... i said DEAL and spit in my hand and we shook!... lol...

they left, and that little girl had just lit up my home, i couldnt fall alseep till 4am... even with two lunestas... lol...

now...
yesterday i go to the bank to see why theres a service charge on my account... there shouldnt be a charge, and im a bit pissed, im treading water with money right now, trying to just stay a step ahead... things will get ok end of april, but right now, one misstep im a gonner...

well, it seems my account was all fucked up, i was in the wrong account, they had charged me for stuff they shouldnt... well to make a long storty short, i walked out of there with 376 dollars... LMAO...

i called darla and told her she was right on the money... she's like, SO?... like i should be sooprised... lol...

just a sharp little girl...

now im obsessing about the boyfriend part... i seriously dont want one, he whines... lol

im very glad to have made these new friends... even without all the voodhoodo stuff, they are very nice and groovy people...

isnt this a great story...
i really am a blessed man...
and i thought i would never ever get to say this...
but life just keeps getting better...

life is good, it is, please beleeve me, once you realize this, your life gets good... its not really that simple, but thats the jist... god didnt make a broken world filled with broken people... he made a PERFECT world full of PERFECT people... you dont have to strive to be perfect, you just are... to think any other way is to insult god...

inlight
kerris

ow brainfreeze

2006-03-07T12:43:00.000-05:00

the last week ive done a spiritual overload...

it started with the wayne dyer inspiration program on pbs.
then i got fired up and ive spoke at three churches and the Y on why its so important to pay attention to gawd, cuz this makes you pay attention to yourself...

then a slew of counseling apts...
all cheerleading em into knowing that they are a spiritual powerful vibrant beings...

ive spent most of the morning staring at the walls lettin the braingoo drain out my ears...

no great words of wisdom today...

lol...

inlight
kerris

jesus...

2006-03-04T03:03:00.000-05:00

it was a bar full of ugly tonight at the argos...

its a rare event when im the purtiest of the group...

(evilsnickers)

jack daniels has to be in heaven or im not goin...

nite...

bullshit...

2006-03-03T12:31:00.002-05:00

i was listenin to talk radio this morning...
have to keep an ear on on the repugs yaknow...

well there was an open debate on the subject of tv influencing children...
that all the violence on tv is causing our children to become more violent...

i was totally shocked at the amount of people who called in and said no, that it was stupid to think like that and only a few said that yes it do...

ok all you 40 yearolds out there...
lets take a trip down tv memory lane...

didnt you want to be bo and luke duke from the dukes of hazard?
i wanted to be bo, cuz i just knew he was more hung than luke...
didnt you play dukes of hazard in your backyard?

didnt you want to be the six million dollar man?
didnt you also play this in your backyard?
and wasnt there always one little bratty girl who had to be the bionic woman...
::rolls eyes::
we hated that bratty girl...

what about batman and robin?

going further back, what about the lone ranger, the shadow, dick tracy...etc...

you cant tell me that these shows didnt influence us, even if it was just in play...

and what are kids playing in their backyards now? im too afraid to even think about it...

and to tell you the truth, i grew up to be bo duke, im a wild hillbilly faggot who likes fast cars and loose women (who will cook while i play in the haystack with the boys) jack daniels neat or with two icecubes... budwieser is the only beer to drink only because they quit making pabst blue ribbon, or i cant find it anywhere...

i painted my nova to look like the general lee... it looked stupid, but i loved it...

your sticking your head up your ass if you dont think tv influences your child...

i dont have cable...
im shocked at the reaction i get from people when they find out i dont have cable on PURPOSE...
they almost get violent in their reactions...

theres too much more to do in life than watch tv...

i got me some bunnyear antennae and on a clear day here in dayton, i can get two chicago stations...
ive got the news, wheel of fortune and csi once in awhile when i feel gory...
pbs learns me stuff and the wb is ok, but not as good as when buffy the vampire slayer was on it...

i have many mantras that run through my head daily...

the loudest one is this...

KILL YOUR TV...

i would have never thought of shooting up my school when i was a kid, and i cant think of one kid, phreak, fatty, faggy, ugly, foureyes or any of the types of kids in my school who even THOUGHT about shooting up the school... i mean thoughts like that didnt even enter my head... we were too busy sneakin our parents cigs and beer, sneakin the car out on a sat night, and maybe if we were lucky, we got one joint to share between sixteen people...

KILL YOUR TV...

or at least drop cable and make your kids go play outside...
all my faggot friends who have kids... dont have cable and make their kids play outside... and they actually do things with their kids... you straitbreederfucks should be ashamed of yourselves and your parenting skills...

do it...

KILL YOUR TV...

::steps off soapbox and kicks it back under the couch::

mama

2006-03-02T15:43:00.000-05:00

my mother is a mean spirited humorless woman...
she always has been...
never been happy, never really tried to be happy...
and the poor woman had her reasons, i know this because the reasons for how she treated her children all of our lives was a running mantra in my head... i did this just so i could stand next to her at christmas...

now dont get me wrong...
i love my mother with all my heart...
she just dont know how to be a mother...

when i got cancer, she never hugged me or coddled me or said, hon we will get through this together... she said not one word...
theres more horror stories from my youth and adulthood, but thats just to show you what type of mother she is...
and again, she had good reasons for her being the way she is...

my brothers and sister have not spoken to her in 20 years....
i found that outrageous and horrid...
and ive called them on it periodically through the years...
i would say... SHES YOUR MOTHER DAMMIT...
and they would say, U SUCK UP, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN HER FAVORITE!

its just been the last few years that theyve seen just how horrid she has been to me...
and i just kept coming back...
im a mommas boy, and im not ashamed to admit it...
it just sucks that when your a mommas boy and your momma really could care less about you...

i was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of five...
now i had to be fucked up to be diagnosed for that in 1970...
my mother refused all treatment...
i mean it was 1970, no one had really heard about antedepressants, had they?

it was hard when i was younger, but as i grew up, i got into sports and we read about how diet affected moods and i got by ok by gettin rid of red meat and vigorous exercise and always staying busy...
i forced myself to live...

and then i started taking care of boys at 17 and who had time to be depressed... after i started taking care of boys who had hiv, i would hit the bed for a few weeks about every four years... the depression would leave after a week, but id spend three weeks more laying there smoking pot and eatin oreos and playin nintendo... this was my vacation for working 60 to 90 hours a week taking care of dying boys... lol...

now, i had posted here about my melt down in tuscon...
i took it off the blogg, because its over and its longwinded and it no longer needs to be addressed... but i will bring some things out in it later on because they are good stories... but the most important thing that happened out there in the desert, was when i left the loony bin after my five day stay, i had no depression... i had nada none zip nope aint there... i couldnt tell what i was feeling, but it turned out to be just a deep seated joy and peace and i was just... happy...

no drugs, i refused em all in the bin...
no therapy... nada...
i dont know what happened...
i just got happy, and its been a year now and im goin strong...

so this all leads up to mama..

her and her husband came over to my house to drop off a bookcase...
this will be the first time my mother has ever been into any of my homes...
so they dropped off the bookcase and i had to chase them through my backyard yelling thank you...
they moved so fast, and i know this sounds pathetic, but i felt like an orphan being dropped off by their parents...
i just stood in the middle of the yard in pain...
i mean, were they that offeneded by my homodom, by my just being alive, that they couldnt take five seconds to stand in the kitchen and let me thank them and show my appreciation?

if they had been at my brothers or the neighbors, no matter how late they were, they would have done what anyone else would have done, is pause in the kitchen at the backdoor, and say our goodbyes and let me say thank you...

in that moment, it became a reality that my mother really doesnt care for me, and i had deluded myself that she was this groovy momma who accepted my homodom...

this action show'd alot to me and i fell totally fell apart... i finally stopped all the delusions and excuses i was making up for her and 40 years came tumbling down on me...

and i took to bed for twelve days...
i just got up yesterday...

called my shrink, she said could i talk to her about it? i said, she will just say im being stupid and tell me to shut up...
(this shrink is a 20 yearold friend, who cant really shrink me cuz were friends, but is invaluable in cases like this...)
the shrink said, do what ive been tellin you for ten years, kerris, cut the bitch out of your life... shes poison...

so thats what i did...
i called mom and i told her how i saw what happened that day, and to not speak or react, because im not stupid, i am seeing clearly for the first time in my life when it comes to you, so just shut up and listen... you hurt me, i dont know if its on purpose, but you break my heart at least three times a month by your actions, your words etc... and i let you do it... well, im not letting you do it no more... im not making things up to just hurt you, im speaking the truth, your the one standing in a lie...

i never want to see you again, mom...
the last child who would come see you twice a week and dinner out once a week you have just officially ran off...
now i know why my siblings havnt spoken to you in twenty years...
what a chump i am...
dont call, dont visit, like you would ever come to visit me, dont write... its over...
and i hung up...

and it hurt like a mother fucker to do that...

but as gawd is my witness... (flips out fancy fan and straitens hoopskirt) no one will force me to take to my bed again...

lol...

well, she called an hour ago...
crying...
my sister found my blog and mom read it...
she said, i didnt know you could write so well...
i didnt know you took care of boys...
i said bullshit, you never asked, and when i would start to tell, your eyes would glaze over and you would look at me like you wanted me someplace else...
she said why do you write such personal stuff?
i said, ma, my life has always been an open book because god is so prevalent in my life, her workings and his movements are so in your face i cant NOT tell my stories... i tell my stories so that others know that god can be that real in their everyday life too... its not just me, it can be for them too... i said, mom, there isnt a day in my life where the One doesnt perform some seeable, touchable, smellable, tasteable miracle...
i said why all of a sudden this interest in who i am...

now...
mama, it kills me to say this... but just go away, and stay away... and i hung up...

i dont feel better, but i think this is one of those ya gotta do what ya gotta do thingys...

but this got me thinking about my life and how open i am about it... i mean i hold nothing back, when you know me, you reaaaaaaaaaaly know me, and i do think the reason above is the reason why i share... because there isnt a day that the One is not real in my life...

plus, im sooo overly introspective that i see so much most people dont have time to see...
so i tell what i see...
im a story teller, so i see stories where no one would think to look...
and i tell my stories to anyone who will listen...

i cant not write...
if you cut my hands off i would dry up and die...
seriously...

but on the other hand, i think i just like to gab...

this may be very good news...

2006-03-02T07:09:00.000-05:00

ive been watching this drug for the last ten years...
its the only promising drug or treatment to come about in fifteen years...

eight years ago, the medical community decided to not concentrate so much on a cure, but in finding a way to make aids a managable chronic disease... just like they did with diabetes...

do you know why the shift in focus?
can you guess?
come oooooooon... guess...

MOOOOOOOLAH! if you can keep em alive, you can make more MOOOOOOOOOOLAH...

bastards...

the following came from queerfmnews.com

Drug companies, Merck & Co. and Gilead Sciences have reported successful small-scale tests of an integrase inhibitor, in the fight against HIV.

Most successful AIDS drugs inhibit the protease or reverse transcriptase enzymes HIV uses to make copies of itself, no drug on the market has targeted the third HIV enzyme, integrase.

Now researchers may finally have found a potent new class of AIDS drugs, known as integrase inhibitors.

According to Merck, the new anti-viral drug reduced HIV viral loads to undetectable levels 72 percent of the time in the most responsive dosage group of 167 patients in a four-month trial. The company is now enrolling volunteers for a large-scale study. If successful, its integrase inhibitor would be on track for U.S. Food and Drug Administration approval in 2007.

Gilead Sciences made a similar announcement on Wednesday. Its integrase inhibitor dramatically reduced viral loads by as much as 99 percent in a 10-day trial involving 40 patients.

"If these drugs were to be approved, it would be a great new development,"
said Dr. Frenk Guni, the director for international affairs for the National Association of People with AIDS.

"It would provide greater opportunities for people who have developed a resistance to other AIDS drugs," he said.

finally...

2006-03-02T06:53:00.000-05:00

Reverend Fred Phelps Funeral Protests Illegal

Originally uploaded by dbking.

he came to our town one year...
we made angel costumes like they did in wyoming...
lots of tears and anger, but lots of healing too...

what makes a man so filled with hate... i mean, this goes beyond hate, dont you think?

evil

2006-03-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

the cat is evil...
he waits till im asleep then plops his ass on my face...
he wants no petting till im ready to lay down and read a book... then he plops his bum right in the middle of the book...
just when im almost asleep he pats my face and then breathes his dragon breath on me...
he leaps from the hearth onto my head and bites my ears...
his new favorite activity is to dig out all of his kitty litter onto the floor, then scatter it throughout the house...
he ate two of my pancakes this morning while i was in the head for like one minute...
he wont shut up... his goal is to drive me insane with his insessant meowing...
he ate a piece of art i was working on for a show in the fall...
somehow he got the whiteclouds out of the vase with the very small opening and ate them... whiteclouds are little minnows that come from japan... i loved those fish...
the cat is evil...

and just when im lookin for a butcher knife to make me some kittysumgumpao...

he wiggles under the covers and lays his head on the pillow and stretches out close beside me and snores like a little tiny human...
or he jumps on the keyboard and gives me a great big head bump... they tell me that that is the greatest compliment a cat can give you...
or he sits on the edge of the tub while im showering, playing in the water and singing his purty little kitty songs...

i dont know if i hate him more when hes evil or when hes so sickening cute...

the web

2006-02-19T15:10:00.000-05:00

ive been romping around the web since i was a tyke... im forty now...

i was 12 when TheSource was created by Bill Von Meister. This would eventually become AOL. in 1998 applelink personal edition was released. it sucked. but what you could do with it, and the future promises from it was reaaaaaaaaaly exciting to a 22 yearold wannabe geek. October 2, 1989 AppleLink changes name to America Online. December 1992 AOL licenses software to Apple. This software would become eWorld. eworld sucked... but things were gettin better... July 1993 Jan Brandt starts sending AOL disks in the mail. and in 1992 mac started making bigger desktops and i was in heaven... i loved my little itty bitty mac... but i wanted more power and i wanted to get into the computer itself and tinker...

and thats how the rest of the world found out about the internet... but theres always been a small group of us who knew how to use the net before AOL... there was IRC chat, and we sharpened our pirating skills on anything we could get our hands on, mostly hacking into the gov't databases and gettin in trouble, nobody got arrested we just got letters or a phone call to tell us to quit, or our parents got the phone call or letter... back then, anybody could hack into the gov't shit, it was so weak and confoozled... it was fun, made me feel like a spy...

i dont use AOL anymore, though i used it for the first 11 years it was available... i always beefed that AOL dumbed down the consumer,( just like windows operating system does by makin it almost impossible to get in the innards and tinker and fix up, macs are easy to do shit with, i mean people trick their macs out, some are amazing...) and this dumbing down led people to believe that AOL WAS the internet. even today, you would be surprised at supposedly savvy computer users who dont know about private isp's, other chat clients, the myriad of websites that ARE NOT included in AOL's search engine.

let me tell you one more time...

AOL is NOT the internet, its a very convenient gateway to it...

i was one of the first fifty people to join aol... ever more, AOL, is to not be capitalised cuz i hate the cap key...
and i cant prove it, but i think those first 300 people were all gay...
i never met a strait person online during those first few years...
im sure there were, but i never met one...

there werent so many chat rooms back then, and they were split up into geographical groups... of course the east and west coast had the most activity, cuz thats where the faggots migrated to in the seventies. like i said, we had the first computers cuz we had the most money to blow...

and we've never got ANY fucking credit from steve, but we helped stevecasehomophobiccunt work out all his bugs, and gave him great suggestions and stuck with him even when he was charging 24 bucks an hour... or some other huge amount of money... we stuck with him through the mid nineties when computer prices came down to something reasonable and the whole world came online at once and his servers exploded... we even stuck with him when his wife made a homophobic remark and refused to give money to a charity that catered to the aids population... the next day, she never apologised but the money got to the organisation... we stayed through the rumour that steve didnt want all those homosexual chat rooms on his server, i personally dont think it was a rumour, but i think someone pointed out that if wasnt for us "nasty homos" you would have never got off the ground... these memories are fuzzy, so dont quote me, but the jist of the truth is there...

around 1996, we were able to start creating our own rooms. now that was a riot... as is now, and even more so, some of the strangest phreaks have set up camp in AOLland... lol... it was around this time i saw just how great this venue could be used for community building... the aids epidemic had totally wiped us out, spirit wise, emotional wise, and we were just physically run down from stress and worry... our community was almost starting to come together as a whole, then aids hit it and all the work we had put in in the fifties through the seventies just disappeared... we lost the best of the best, we lost those who held us together...plus, we had to live through the times when the world thought that this WAS a punishment from gawd...

that was really hard on my boys... i would hold them and point to the tv and the tv preacher spewing hate and i would say....

"that preacher dont know gawd, jimmy, gawd aint on that pulpit with that hate monger... jimmy hes right here beside me as i bathe you and feed you and love you and soothe you... gawd is right here taking care of you and loving you just as i am... gawd is no where near that pulpit... that man on the tv lies... gawd loves you just as much as he loves that hatefilled man on tv... but i bet he LIKES us more..."

so when we got a dayton, ohio chat room, i took it over and reigned queen there for about 3 years... i would entertain and make the boys laugh... i cant count the times a guy would email me saying that he just sits there reading my antics with tears running down his face from laughing so hard... that always gave me a woody, the coolest thing to have happen for me is to make somebody laugh...

when the chat rooms started, i treated them as a physical place to be... i pretended we were in a bar and i would quip, harass, insult, act retarded and i added actions by using ::action:: to denote an action, sounds were *sound*, like *fart*,
asides or inner thoughts that had nuttin to do with the conversation that was going on at the moment, were cloaked in ( ) and anything sexual always had these < > around whatever perverse thing i wanted to spew at the time.... id cartwheel into the room wearing a hoopskirt, black army boots and a tiara and the show would begin... i had many personalities and me and the boys had soooo mucho fun... seriously, nobody ever thought you could have so much fun just typing crap into a computer... and thats all it was, crap and silliness... but god it was fun...

as i said, earlier, our community was pretty much in shambles... when aids hit, alot of the community drew together, but more of it became more isolated... we stopped touching each other and we stopped having sex and we stopped talking to each other and we just stopped being... we had scuttled into our safe little shells and was just sittin there rotting away...

well, this little chat room did wonders for daytons gay community... i started hosting dinner parties... it was hard at first, nobody wanted to do it... and thats intimacy issues... most gay men cant interact with other gay men with out blaring music, a cocktail and 1000 other faggots milling around...so having dinner, which is a very intimate event, with other gay men scared most of the boys silly... well, im very insistent, and we eventually began to have monthly dinner parties, we started meeting every sunday at a breakfast diner in town... in its hey day we had 50 screaming queens come to breakfast, and never less than 30... it was fun plus we got to terrorise the catholics who dined there after church... we had dinners out, saw plays and just did stuff with each other...

we made friends, and learned how to tend to that friendship... instead of making friends and then letting that friendship lie between the two, waiting for the friendship to do something... i was very proud of my community... i was very proud that they were working through major intimacy issues and embracing each other as friends... and ill admit, i was the star, and it fed me and i was glad to be the star and i really do try to be the star wherever i go so bite me it dont hurt nobody and most people laugh at me... and thats what i want...

then one day the children came...

one day, every parent in the whole wide world bought their child a computer on the SAME day... it was like they called each other up and said, HEY, lets go buy the kids a computer... all of a sudden there was this inrush of youth... for three years the only people on aol were mostly homos, and there werent that many on the server at all, so it was like our little private club...

well, at first, the kids made their own rooms, and basically we ran em out of our room if they was under 18...

but then those kids grew up and went to college... and became the most rudest pricks ive ever encountered... and they still are the most rudest pricks ive ever encountered... we had lost a whole generation of men who were trying to create a safe and gentle space for homos to hang, so the youngsters had nobody to teach em the rules... the younger gen watched the one ahead of em, and acted accordingly... all of sudden nettiquete is out the window... abuse is common and expected... the anonymity that you have on the web became so abused as to drive most of us away from the whole shebang... the kids wouldnt join in on the fun, they only wanted to take over, abuse the elders, and it was constant, i mean they never let up... we couldnt even have discussions among ourselves without these twinks abusing us... the worst was when they started bitching about chat in general, that the rooms were meant for sex and for sex only, and chat was not allowed... where did the HELL did that come from... we all cruised the chat rooms, we never had a problem with that... you had your neighbourly name and you had your ravingsexbitchpigboy name... it wasnt like we were hiding, it was just sometimes we wanted to chat and sometimes we wanted to get fucked, and people knew by our names what we was looking for... but when the kids came, the rules all changed, and if the kids didnt know the unwritten rules on the web, how were we to stand up to the onslaught...the rules were simple, be nice, dont lie,(if your dick is six inches dont say its nine, we really hate that) dont use other peoples pics and say that they are your own, dont use all caps, but mainly, treat each other with respect and never flame, if you do flame someone, you had better make it entertaining or you will get flamed by a bunch of very experienced mean ass queens who have made a living at flaming, and ALWAYS ALWAYS ABIDE BY THE TEN MINUTE RULE... if somebody pisses you off, you wait ten minutes before responding... anybody else remember that rule?... we didnt think we'd have to write these rules down, and how could we have anyways? its an invisible world, we couldnt tack a piece of paper up somewhere explaining how to act like a human being on the web...

when most of us found out that we had most of the room on ignore, it was time to move on... and we did... now, we mostly use the chat rooms to get laid... im one of the few who cruises daily through the rooms shouting out activities that homos could join in, like, dragqueen miniature gold, miniskirtbowling night, dinner parties and musicals and plays, we have some great theatre here in dayton... ive only been back in dayton for about 6 months, and slowly but surely im gettin the guys to venture out again and come out and have fun... they said that when i left two years ago for AZ, all the fun ended... i was pissed about that, why should you wait for me to produce all the ideas and plan the shit...

guess somebody gotta do it...

i talk about this because these are the reasons why im so wrapped up in the net... im on here alot, but i also live a real life, there are millions of peoples who sit for hours on the computer and never venture out into real life... thats sad and thats an illness... back in the nineties, i could log 6 to 7 hours on the net, and work 70 hours taking care of boys and give safe sex talks and give lectures and classs on tarot, i could go on and on about what i did in real life... i knew how dangerous it was to get hooked on the puter... cuz theres soooooooooooooooo much to do, yaknow... so i made sure i always had a life outside of the puter... and if you dont have a real life, you wont have any stories to tell, and basically, im a storyteller...

or a liar... either fits...

i love this place called the web... to me its always been a real world with an invisible presence... my chat rooms were defined by a place... there was the Writers Cafe that met in an ever expanding cafe, and each person would take a piece of the cafe and make it their own, putting up decorations, knickknacks, posters, plants... whatever one would do to an office that you would write in in real life was written down and it just kept expanding... we put these descriptions in a folder on the web, and newbies could take the tour and would know exactly where and what a chatter was doing...

when i discovered Mailists, i had died and gone to heaven... here is a tool that allows me to write stories and terrorise people at the same time, but it can be longer in length and have more substance than chat... i also found that i drove most people batty on Mailists, which pleased me very mucho... i was chased away from so many maillists in the nineties i was afraid id be banished to newsgroups...my first posts on any Mailists were always veryveryveryveryveryveryveryvery long, most of it being me exploring the place called (whateverthemaillistwascalled)... i turned tarotList into a big ass library with aquariums and bookshelves and man-eating plants, and me and bo and asacreede (two bizarre mutant creatures that i might share later on) just caused big trouble that day... usually spreading rumours about rachel pollack, yacking up lies, never truly introducing myself, yet acting like ive been on the list forever...but i also described the area where dtking would sit, and over there was Rachel's writing table and i described the stained glass windows, and the maneating plant in the corner and the bookcases and maroon plooshy couch that you had to get permission from me to sit in... etc... you gettin the pic?

of course, NO ONE ON THE WEB HAD EVER DONE THIS BEFORE... lmao... i bet people felt like they had just been hit by a tornado, and you either laughed your ass off or got pissed... the ones who laughed are still pretty much around me still laughing...

my fav mail list is my kerrismaticneedleharpooning society one... its a bunch of insane fiber artists who live on a pirate ship and we have a blast... i have a tarot and spirituality maillist that meets in a hundred foot tall windmill, circleink, a prayer circle gathers in an attic in an old victorian house... ive found that presenting mail lists in this form has helped many of my writer friends become mucho better writers, i know its helped me immensely...

anyhow, i live in the web and i live outside of the web... ive met hundreds, and i mean hundreds of people in real life from this place, most good, some so hideous that you cant believe gawd created em, and a myriad of phreaks... i love phreaks, phreaks love me, wherever i go, the phreaks just cluster around me... i collect em... they keep me real and refreshed....

i have strong emotions for this place we call the internet... ive watched love bloom, ive watched people who i have never met die and leave me destroyed, ive found so much laughter here, so much information, ive prayed every saturday evening at 7pm eastern time for the last ten years with probably a billion people world wide who's connected by the web... ive made friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin, and ive stuck through thick and thin with them... alot of us go and meet in person and we find out that we are pretty much like our online personalities... i cant really be like my online personality cuz ill get arrested... but its surprising how you can really get to know a person through this medium... i mean we share things with each other i know we dont share with real life peoples... its amazing, but in the olden days, didnt they do all this with hand written letters...

if the web went away today, id be very sad... its been a place of refuge, its been a compatriot in many revolts and revolutions, its been a wise teacher learning me new things...

its the space where my most favourite people gather and its also the hush, that silence of future meetings of new friends and lovers...

i love this place... it effects me on so many levels... just like real life do... eventually, we will start using it for more than porn, gettin laid, and spamming the hell out of each other... its happening now... remember when the only webpages were businesses and people selling shit? lol... now there are webpages ranging from lesbian fisting videos to granny's selling knitted toiletpaper covers...

its a great place aint it?

in light,
kerris

ps
the pictures are from Deborah Koff-Chapin. they are created by her touchpainting technique. i beleeve she died very young, too young for such good talent... the images are almost always dark, but each emotion is plain and clear... what might at one glance show desperate depression is actually a scene of pure joy and bliss... heres the link if you wanna go see some more stuffs of hers... i use these when im writing stories, when plots hit a dead end, or characters need to be fleshed out, i flip a card and they always send me down a direction ive never would have noticed if not for this womens art work...

Touch Drawing

ink

2006-02-19T04:04:00.000-05:00

this is ink.
ink came to live with me on february fifteenth of 2006.

ive never really been a cat person. cats are for girls and homos.

and even if i am a kindagurlyhomo, im still not into cats.
i know its in the charter rules of the HomoOfAmericas that every faggot must have a cat, im still not into cats.

well, i was tooling around on the FreeCycle maillist. (an aside) u should really check out FreeCycle and Craig's List too. its where a bunch of people who have stuff they dont need and they post it and you want it and you go get it for free... fREecyle... get it. im furnishing my whole apt with stuff. i gotta an unused one year old still in the plastic queen size bed set... now THAT was a find, most of the stuff is shit, but if your patient, you can find some nifty stuff.

anyhoo, so im tooling around FreeCycle, and up pops up this post about a sixmonth old furball who needs a home. i paused and reread the post and thougt to myself, kerris, your not into cats, your goin to get a dog next month, your really not into cats... and so i got up grabbed my keys and went and got the furball.

i bring him home, he hops out of his carrier, looks around and makes some satisfied noises and then hops up on the bed, plops on MY pillow and proceeds to nap for two hours. this is highly unusual behaviour for a kitten, and even an adult cat. the cats that have lived with me usually lived behind the couch or under the bed for three months after arriving home before coming out and being part of the family. this fucker just came in, looked around and said, this will do...

ive had alot of animalsl in my life. and ive had alot of animals all at the same time, too... so my house is usually run like a bootcamp and there are lots of rules and regualtions that all furry and featherd peoples of the home must abide by... or they are shipped off to the family farm. i truly love all the peoples who come to share my home... but im not gooshy with em, and i dont dress em up, and i dont look at a pile of poop and say "OOOOOOOOOO LOOK WHAT PINKY DID".... naw, i screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech really loud and chase the offending one out the door...

so, i figger i give the cat food, water and some toys and some scritches once in a while and everybody will be happy....

no, this is what has happened...

ive not put down the kitten for two days strait and im beginning to do baby talk, and every 3 mins my wittlebaby gets a twwweat... jeesh, im not that butch to begin with, and now ill never ever have a chance at it... (sigh)

i dont know when this happened... i think its cuz hes so just silky and slinky and he just loves you back sooooooo good...

the first thing he did to me when we met was give me a BIG headbump... i heard in catlanguage that is about the highest compliment one can receive from a cat...

hes a better lover than i am... and he likes to get under the covers and scootch up close and lay his head on the pillow just like a human... its cool...

im very glad your here, ink. i was startin to get lonely.

ive always known that i do better as a pair, and so far, the loneliness has been minimal... but anykind of loneliness still hoits a bit... so im glad to have ink here.. he's a good boy...

sincerely
igottaKat

ps
the pic is the only decent pic i could get of him... you ever try to take a pic of a kitten who's just ate a lb of catnip? it aint easy, ill tell you that...